Merry Christmas!

Well Christmas is officially OVER! Although, it never seemed like it was Christmas. This year, my holiday sucked. For the first time I was not in Michigan with my family, nor did I go to my dads because of our fight earlier this year. It was a season of first and none of the first were something meaningful or special. Oh, and my parents wanted to leave me home alone Christmas night to go to the movies until I guilt tripped them into taking me along. Tis' the season to be jolly my butt.

This doesn't help everything else that is going on in my life.

Ignorant boy #1 will not speak to me and gives me no reasoning as to why. I even gave a sweet Merry Christmas text including him into it, although I find him to be a 100% pure definition of JERK. So much so that I almost made a urbandictionary definition for him. Only to get nothing in response. Absolutely nothing. Go figure, I try to be nice and figure things out and nothing comes about it.

Ignorant boy #2 is no longer ignorant. He is really trying to prove things to me, though most of my friends don't think it is a good idea. Mostly, they don't want me to get hurt again and honestly I don't know if I will.

Ignorant boys #3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10..... are still ignorant. Actually, some are not. Some are actually wanting to get to know me, for me.

We will see where these things go.

And...
No matter what I say, Ignorant boy #1 actually is hurting my feelings. I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter and that he needs to grow up, but on the inside I really wish that he would just grow up, or at least give me some justification.

4th Floor

"But you have to be straight up with them or else the love or your life could walk out of the door. That is why people got married so young, because they were honest with the people they liked. They were able to be a man."

I said that to someone yesterday and I thought it sounded pretty legit.
Maybe I should write a book one day.
Of course I will write a book on history when I become a professor, but I think this whole real life needs an adjustment and I would be honored to tell all young teens that this whole idea of a fantasy doesn't exist.

-------------

I don't know if other people have them but whenever things in my life are not going okay, I have a reoccurring dream. Maybe it's what I eat before bed, stress or even it really is connected to my feelings but it goes something like this every time.


First off I'm in a large city, somewhere I have never been before though. For some reason I need to get back to this apartment that I have never been to, but it seems so familiar so maybe I live there or something. I'm coming from shopping normally and I take a shortcut through this small passage with sketchy pealing paint and a doorman that looks more like a rapist. I come to the elevator only to get on thinking that I press the 4th floor (every time it is the 4th floor) but the elevator isn't working. I press again and the doors open to an apartment that looks just like the one I'm going to-- no door just the apartment, but this one isn't mine. I get confused only to return to the elevator to find 2 more people waiting for me. This time the elevator rattles as it goes to the basement that only has one door with wooden planks on it. We close the elevator doors. At this point I'm scared. We then try one more time to make it to the 4th floor but this time, the doors open and the elevator is the only thing left standing as the entire apartment building is in flames and demolished. I then wake up. I have never made it to the 4th floor even though I have been there numerous times.


Inception must be my reality.
If anyone can tell me what this means I would be more than happy to listen.

-------------

My life is a mess.

Oh it’s safe to say I knew it, yeah I knew it all along
Asking the same questions, singing the same songs
I’ve been gone for a while, been traveling along

Searching for a new life when I already had my own 
So walk back home on every road

On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home 
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the luck ones
On every road

Yeah it’s safe to say I knew that all the selfish things I’d do
Would eventually come creeping back around 
Oh way back when you called me young, said we’re innocent and dumb
I knew that you’d come creeping back around again
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the luck ones
On every road...

--The Maine

I love you, but I don't like you.

Don't mess with my heart.
It's fragile.

Don't mess with my mind.
It's willful.

Don't mess with me at all.
Okay, thanks.

Don't be shallow.
Don't be mean.
Don't be cruel.
Don't be rude.
Don't be ignorant.
Don't be vain.
News flash ass, I have feelings too.


It seems I'm too hip to keep tight lipped
And you're on the gossip team
You're making something out of nothing  
And jealousy's the cousin, the cousin of greed 
The inside lingo had me at hello
And we go where the money goes
I want someone provocative and talkative
But it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower 
And from what I've heard with skin you'll win.
--Cute Is What We Aim For

Black & White

I don't understand why I am trying so hard in the world of relationships. I mean my sexy, amazing, beautiful, movie-like love life that is totally nonexistent. I think its time that I step back and stop trying so hard. Maybe that is my problem, I'm trying. If I just sit back people will realize what they need in life and others might figure out what they are missing out on. Who knows maybe my prince is right in front of my eyes, but I'm too stubborn to open them. Perhaps I won't meet anyone what fulfills what I want this time in my life. I think I need to start looking at my friends, my family, the people that look at me everyday and tell me that I am beautiful-- They are the people that I want in my life, and more importantly, the people that I need in my life.

Why do we want that person to swallow us in their arms and tell us that we are beautiful anyways? What does that lead to anyways other than in more occasions than not a broken heart?

When you like someone you get hurt.
When you love someone it turns to hate over time.
And when you hate someone so much that you can't get enough of them- you found that someone.

To those someones (in no order):
I wait for your text, but they never come. Why?
I want to tell you exactly what I think, but all you do is yell.
I know that you are perfect and you throw it away.
I hate the fact I still love you.
I think you annoy the living hell out of me.
I think you are the biggest jerk that I have ever met in my entire life.
I think you are ignorant.
I want to run away with you somedays.
I want to slap you in the face others.
I wish I could receive a straight answer from you.
I hate that I'm used.
I feel used by you-- emotionally.
I feel used by you-- physically.

I know none of this will matter to any of you.


It's time to concentrate on my friends, the people that really matter. It's time to worry about my family because they will always be there. These people-- they don't care.

So I Have a Story....

So, I met a guy that I find PERFECT. Yes, perfect. He follows everything on my list, and it is wonderful. What is the problem then? Huh, because of course it was too good to be true. Yes, the perfection was perfection until the end.

State Beta Convention is this weekend. Of course I fall for the pres, yes the pres of Beta. He is perfect, he even loves the arts. Perfect. We even spent half an hour talking today and we were smiling and being cute and everything was going well until, yes until because it was of course too good to be true, when Beta Convention was ending and the meeting was adjourned, "insertnamehere WILL YOU PLEASE GO TO PROM WITH ME?"

What the hell moment, I think yes.

This always happens to me, maybe I'll finally find someone, someday.

Perfection might not be the right thing I guess, maybe my list needs to be rearranged.

Yeah, no title is a good title.

Boys are stupid.
Dumb, brainless, insensitive, foolish, dumb, senseless, naive, unintelligent, useless, laughable (yes laughable)

Merry Christmas, I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying 'I love you', I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kiss me now, I know you'd fool me again

                                             -The Maine


The end.

From Past to Present to Future, Life is a Mystery.

When you receive a package in the mail with no understanding with what might be inside, it is a mystery. As you shake, raddle and told this box clues might come into your head. Questions and assumptions begin to emerge. When you finally get to open this gift, no matter how terrible it might be, the thrill was involved with shaking that box. The thought of the what if and what nows. We as humans thrive on the questions in life. The why nots? The what nows? The what ifs? The who knows?

When you begin to question things in your life, things begin to change as new assumptions emerge about the actual answer.

When people don't know what another person is thinking, we begin to question and without an answer we question. When we still don't get an answer, we question again and again. Why? I have absolutely no idea but it drives me crazy.

Why can't we just tell someone how we feel? Or even tell someone that we are sorry long before it is too late? Just to be able to tell someone what you are thinking could change the world.

People are stubborn. It's annoying.
Just tell me what you think instead of playing games, they are annoying.

I love to have fun.

"You say you don't want me. I think you're a liar.
Love or lost, it just adds fuel to the fire."
  --The Maine

I Can't Sleep...

There are millions upon billions of people in the world. There are thousands and thousands of people that you have met in your lifetime. There are multiple countries that no one has even heard of. There are millions of fish in the sea, so to speak. There are hundreds of students in each and every high school. There are hundreds of Facebook friends for every individual. There of numerous connections that each and every one of us has with one another. Yet, only a few of these individuals that you come across will leave a mark on your life. Think about it.

Although I have met, said hello and even hugged thousands of people in my lifetime. How many of them have actually changed my life? How many of these people have left a mark that will last a lifetime? How many can I even still recall their name?

A few handfuls.

We all need to strive to be an individual in everyone's handful. The more people who want to be in that handful, the better the world will be as more people become will strive to enhance, or make better another individual. Sometimes, you don't even have to know the person. I myself have someone that is in my handful whom I never even knew their names. Those are the type of people we need in the world. They are the change, but we all can be.

This is my "little brother" Christian, him and I
are really close. We always give each other advice
when times are tough and try to be there for one
another no matter what; I thought it was appropriate
to put him on this one.

"Now if we had the power 

To bring our neighbors home from war 

They would have never missed a Christmas 

No more ribbons on their door 

And when you trust your television 

What you get is what you got 

Cause when they own the information, oh 

They can bend it all they want"

-- John Mayer

It's Greek to Me.

Who am I? The Greeks were amazing when it came to just about everything. No matter which documentary you have watched in class it never stops amazing me how incredible they actually are. They could do everything, and some things probably better than our own society. The Greeks created all of these systems, rather it be numbers or even an alphabet, we can thank them for just about everything. No one gives them much credit anymore though because after your generation is over and a couple of years have passed, the things you did are now just textbook appropriate. All of the new beginnings you have started and even if you found the answer to world peace, everything you did will now have been forgotten and things will just happen.

What is the point to fame? If you are not Ghandi or God, 30 years from no one will know who you are. No one will remember the things that you did, just as twenty years from now you will go to your class reunion and say something to the point of, "Now, where did I know you from?". I think fame is just an instantaneous thing. People do it in order to achieve success at that point; to feel good about themselves if you will. Fame to me means nothing unless it is used to better the world. To be famous is just a way to get on E, but to change the world, now that's the way to have fame for yourself. Maybe not doing drugs and being on Jersey Shore won't get a you big pay check, but what kind of fame is that?

Fame should be about making the world a better place because people will listen to you, not because you want the attention.

"Baby It's Cold Outside" is my favorite Christmas
song as the choir today performed. I just wish I
had someone to sing it to me.

"This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in 
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry"  

Life is like a pendulum and no matter how much you might want to stop it, it keeps going and going and going and going

Who am I? Today I feel not all there. My mind and body have not been communicating very well. My brain is only doing it's necessary functions, and possibly not even all of them seeing I haven't eaten since 4. As my stomach growls and I begin to doze into this unnecessary trance that I call life I see that sometimes, life sucks. Other times, it's the best thing in the entire world.

You know it sucks when you like someone and they refuse to believe that they have the same feelings for you. Oh but yet, they treat you as if you are and I quote, "beautiful, smart and funny." This is a what the hell moment.

What the Hell Moment-- expression of surprise. incregulous. shocked. Eqivalent to saying "what on earth" or "What Gives". Considered a swear in some backward remote religious communities, like Texas. 

So what the hell?

Furthermore, life likes to throw it's curve balls. For myself, it always seems to come in my relationships. For others, it might be with their family. And some even their friends. Life also likes to put so much pressure on you at once just to see if you can take it. I myself have learned that this pressure is a test; a test in judgment or even, choices.

You see the choices that we make are what make us who we are. Think about it, when you were a kid did something you choose make you who you are? Did saying something to your parents alter your reality of saying something like that to another person?

Why can life be so complex?

New York City, I have already looked at
apartment cost and I'm so tempted to just
go there now, it's so, uh, classy?

"Can I get your lips to speak my name?" -The Ready Set

Everything Happens at Once, I Swear...

I put myself in awful situations all the time. Everyone has these awful things that happen to them, but me, they are just handed to me on a silver platter. Even if I begin the situation, fate plays a part and just gives me a bunch of crap to deal with that I can't.

Let's see, I have the biggest crush on someone who I shouldn't have a crush on because he doesn't like me back. I also have my first love asking for me back, crying on the phone telling me how perfect I am.

Why can't someone like me, not to be conceited, but I'm the full package. My gosh, I'm not used to someone not liking me. Why can I still be attached to someone who has hurt me to the point of no ends? He has torn me down to the point that I cannot trust many people.

Why?
I'm lonely. I'm alone.

I am the victim of my own doing. I want to be loved.

You know what makes me the most upset? I feel lead on. I feel like the person that I have a crush on is making me like him more and more just to play with my emotions. News flash, not only is it working but it is hurting. I am hurting on the inside. One day we like each other and the next he treats me like crap. How can I still like someone like that? I also seem to like people like that. It's barbaric. It's insane. Yet, it makes me interested, it makes me want to know why he doesn't like me but can still call me beautiful, funny and perfect. What the hell? This is a game and I am the monopoly piece that no one likes.


This one doesn't deserve a picture or song lyric.....

NYU, please?

Who am I? Here are some exerts from my yet-to-be-completed essay....

If I was to play myself in one of those average high school films, like Mean Girls or 16 Candles, I would be that girl. Yes, I would be your Lindsay Lohan or Molly Ringwald. Your overwhelmed failure at life whom suddenly everything changes when Mr. Right steps into her life by the dramatic irony of fate. The girl who thinks she is worse off than she actually is. The girl who people roll their eyes at when she talks about how awful her life is because she has everything. Yes, she has it all. The looks. The personality. The talent. The it. Too bad no one takes a minute to actually get to know me. They would realize a heck of a lot.

and to continue this master piece here is some more....

To get to the point of this entire essay, high school isn’t the place for someone like me. I don’t fit in because I was never meant to fit in. I was meant for something more, I just have absolutely no idea, clue, or thought to what it is. I have dreams. Many great dreams and ambitions. There is one problem though, I don’t know who I am. How can you accomplish your desires when you have no idea where you belong in the world?
Answer: You can’t.
To progress in life, you must find purpose. It could be as small as finding life in helping a stranger or as complex as changing the world. Just as long as you alone fulfilled that wish. Life is about, well lots of things, but I believe it all boils down to three main concepts: love, commitment, and security.

and it continues but I will not bore you just yet.

Point is, this essay is more than an essay to me. This is my journey. Best part, there is no word limit.

So, I Fail at Updating.

Who am I? As I sit here watching Ellen, as I normally do after school, and look at 108 pictures of kittens in sweater, maybe it's not what I do after school daily, but this is normal for me, I can't help but think about the big C word. I have probably gotten hundreds of letters and numerous more arrive every single day. It's not the fact that I don't want to go, believe me, I want to get out this town. It's the fact that I am not ready to grow up. Grown ups pay bills. Grown ups have jobs that actually make money. Grown ups live on their own. I can't even stay home by myself without thinking someone is breaking in, let along live by myself? Really? The C word is the scariest thing right now. Yes, I know I'm smart. I know that I can get into a good school. I know I could even do well at Harvard or Yale if I put my mind to it. That really isn't what I want though. I want to stay in high school (without the work) and do high school shows. I want to not have to worry about money. About a job. About life in general. Don't get me wrong, I have aspirations. I want to see the world. I want to live my life in New York City. I want to be someone. My problem though, I have always been told it's "too hard" and that "you will never make it." Maybe that is what has turned me away from the whole idea of the C word. Maybe that has made me not push to go to NYU, the school of my dreams. The school that if I pushed myself hard enough, I could go to. Maybe I would come out negative the entire cost of a house, but I still did it. Maybe, just maybe, I need to push myself. I never will though.

I miss this. Carefree with nothing but
Barney to worry about. To be a
child again, it's priceless.
 Absolutely priceless.

"And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete. 
Little pieces of the nothing that fall. 
Put your arms around me. 
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful."
   -Goo Goo Dolls

Yourself.

Who am I? Today I am myself, of course. At least I hope everyone can say that are themselves everyday. Too bad that is not always the case. To me, being yourself is what life is all about. If you are not yourself, who will you ever be? What goals can you have? What can you aspire to be if you can't even be yourself long enough to figure out what you like to do. Conforming, that's what high school seems to be about. Not for myself though.

This weekend I think I learned more about who my true friends are than ever before. I had the most fantastic 48 hours that anyone could ask for and it was all thanks to them. I don't think I have laughed, smiled or even spoken exactly how I feel that much in a very, very long time. So what does this have to be with being myself, for once in a long time, I let all ambitions go down. I let myself be free of worries. I let myself finally begin to figure out exactly who I am. I'm starting to figure it out. I now know exactly what I need to do. I need to just, be myself. No matter what. No matter the flaws of myself because someone will find everything about me beautiful,just as my friends do.

This is one of my best friends, Jacob.
I believe this picture explains our
entire relationship. I love spending
time with him, but college has really
cut into it. This weekend though showed
me that we are still close, no matter
what happens after high school.

"Growing up won't bring us down."
  -The Maine

This Is the Start, the Start It All.

Who am I?
This is how I will start every blog: Who am I? That's a pretty deep question for someone my age to understand. Actually, scratch that, for anyone to understand regardless of their place in life. So today, November 11, 2010, who am I? Right now, I am Kendyl, the girl crushing on a guy who is to young for her. The girl who is still in her very attractive outfit, should have been taken off 4 hours ago, trying to impress him. The girl who is to stubborn to let things go, yet to curious to keep things going. Right now, I am myself. I act as though people at school don't bother me. I act like I have it all together. When really, I don't know anything. I am not as perfect as I am portrayed in this portrait society my parents have put me into. So, to answer that question of who am I? I'm myself, I know that. I don't care what others think about me, yet as a whole, I don't know yet. I don't know if I want to be the person that everyone has set the bar for me to be. I don't like being perfect. I don't like doing things right all the time. Maybe I want to party. What if I want to, at least for one day, conform to the rest of my peers. For once, not to have goals that I have to work hard towards. I play it safe. That's my problem.

I will also add a picture of a moment in my life
and describe my thoughts and feelings at
that point in time. As for this, I hated Sam
(the man behind me) and to this day I still
remember the first day we had our kissing
scene and he ate chinese food. I also remember
that during this entire show I was an emotional
wreck. Theatre is my passion though, so
I love this shot no matter what.

And now the closing will be a song quote from a song I have been listening to that describes my life.
"You make me happy whether you know it or not.
We should be happy, that's what I said from the start." 

        - Never Shout Never