So, I Fail at Updating.

Who am I? As I sit here watching Ellen, as I normally do after school, and look at 108 pictures of kittens in sweater, maybe it's not what I do after school daily, but this is normal for me, I can't help but think about the big C word. I have probably gotten hundreds of letters and numerous more arrive every single day. It's not the fact that I don't want to go, believe me, I want to get out this town. It's the fact that I am not ready to grow up. Grown ups pay bills. Grown ups have jobs that actually make money. Grown ups live on their own. I can't even stay home by myself without thinking someone is breaking in, let along live by myself? Really? The C word is the scariest thing right now. Yes, I know I'm smart. I know that I can get into a good school. I know I could even do well at Harvard or Yale if I put my mind to it. That really isn't what I want though. I want to stay in high school (without the work) and do high school shows. I want to not have to worry about money. About a job. About life in general. Don't get me wrong, I have aspirations. I want to see the world. I want to live my life in New York City. I want to be someone. My problem though, I have always been told it's "too hard" and that "you will never make it." Maybe that is what has turned me away from the whole idea of the C word. Maybe that has made me not push to go to NYU, the school of my dreams. The school that if I pushed myself hard enough, I could go to. Maybe I would come out negative the entire cost of a house, but I still did it. Maybe, just maybe, I need to push myself. I never will though.

I miss this. Carefree with nothing but
Barney to worry about. To be a
child again, it's priceless.
 Absolutely priceless.

"And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete. 
Little pieces of the nothing that fall. 
Put your arms around me. 
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful."
   -Goo Goo Dolls