Life is like a pendulum and no matter how much you might want to stop it, it keeps going and going and going and going

Who am I? Today I feel not all there. My mind and body have not been communicating very well. My brain is only doing it's necessary functions, and possibly not even all of them seeing I haven't eaten since 4. As my stomach growls and I begin to doze into this unnecessary trance that I call life I see that sometimes, life sucks. Other times, it's the best thing in the entire world.

You know it sucks when you like someone and they refuse to believe that they have the same feelings for you. Oh but yet, they treat you as if you are and I quote, "beautiful, smart and funny." This is a what the hell moment.

What the Hell Moment-- expression of surprise. incregulous. shocked. Eqivalent to saying "what on earth" or "What Gives". Considered a swear in some backward remote religious communities, like Texas. 

So what the hell?

Furthermore, life likes to throw it's curve balls. For myself, it always seems to come in my relationships. For others, it might be with their family. And some even their friends. Life also likes to put so much pressure on you at once just to see if you can take it. I myself have learned that this pressure is a test; a test in judgment or even, choices.

You see the choices that we make are what make us who we are. Think about it, when you were a kid did something you choose make you who you are? Did saying something to your parents alter your reality of saying something like that to another person?

Why can life be so complex?

New York City, I have already looked at
apartment cost and I'm so tempted to just
go there now, it's so, uh, classy?

"Can I get your lips to speak my name?" -The Ready Set

Everything Happens at Once, I Swear...

I put myself in awful situations all the time. Everyone has these awful things that happen to them, but me, they are just handed to me on a silver platter. Even if I begin the situation, fate plays a part and just gives me a bunch of crap to deal with that I can't.

Let's see, I have the biggest crush on someone who I shouldn't have a crush on because he doesn't like me back. I also have my first love asking for me back, crying on the phone telling me how perfect I am.

Why can't someone like me, not to be conceited, but I'm the full package. My gosh, I'm not used to someone not liking me. Why can I still be attached to someone who has hurt me to the point of no ends? He has torn me down to the point that I cannot trust many people.

Why?
I'm lonely. I'm alone.

I am the victim of my own doing. I want to be loved.

You know what makes me the most upset? I feel lead on. I feel like the person that I have a crush on is making me like him more and more just to play with my emotions. News flash, not only is it working but it is hurting. I am hurting on the inside. One day we like each other and the next he treats me like crap. How can I still like someone like that? I also seem to like people like that. It's barbaric. It's insane. Yet, it makes me interested, it makes me want to know why he doesn't like me but can still call me beautiful, funny and perfect. What the hell? This is a game and I am the monopoly piece that no one likes.


This one doesn't deserve a picture or song lyric.....

NYU, please?

Who am I? Here are some exerts from my yet-to-be-completed essay....

If I was to play myself in one of those average high school films, like Mean Girls or 16 Candles, I would be that girl. Yes, I would be your Lindsay Lohan or Molly Ringwald. Your overwhelmed failure at life whom suddenly everything changes when Mr. Right steps into her life by the dramatic irony of fate. The girl who thinks she is worse off than she actually is. The girl who people roll their eyes at when she talks about how awful her life is because she has everything. Yes, she has it all. The looks. The personality. The talent. The it. Too bad no one takes a minute to actually get to know me. They would realize a heck of a lot.

and to continue this master piece here is some more....

To get to the point of this entire essay, high school isn’t the place for someone like me. I don’t fit in because I was never meant to fit in. I was meant for something more, I just have absolutely no idea, clue, or thought to what it is. I have dreams. Many great dreams and ambitions. There is one problem though, I don’t know who I am. How can you accomplish your desires when you have no idea where you belong in the world?
Answer: You can’t.
To progress in life, you must find purpose. It could be as small as finding life in helping a stranger or as complex as changing the world. Just as long as you alone fulfilled that wish. Life is about, well lots of things, but I believe it all boils down to three main concepts: love, commitment, and security.

and it continues but I will not bore you just yet.

Point is, this essay is more than an essay to me. This is my journey. Best part, there is no word limit.

So, I Fail at Updating.

Who am I? As I sit here watching Ellen, as I normally do after school, and look at 108 pictures of kittens in sweater, maybe it's not what I do after school daily, but this is normal for me, I can't help but think about the big C word. I have probably gotten hundreds of letters and numerous more arrive every single day. It's not the fact that I don't want to go, believe me, I want to get out this town. It's the fact that I am not ready to grow up. Grown ups pay bills. Grown ups have jobs that actually make money. Grown ups live on their own. I can't even stay home by myself without thinking someone is breaking in, let along live by myself? Really? The C word is the scariest thing right now. Yes, I know I'm smart. I know that I can get into a good school. I know I could even do well at Harvard or Yale if I put my mind to it. That really isn't what I want though. I want to stay in high school (without the work) and do high school shows. I want to not have to worry about money. About a job. About life in general. Don't get me wrong, I have aspirations. I want to see the world. I want to live my life in New York City. I want to be someone. My problem though, I have always been told it's "too hard" and that "you will never make it." Maybe that is what has turned me away from the whole idea of the C word. Maybe that has made me not push to go to NYU, the school of my dreams. The school that if I pushed myself hard enough, I could go to. Maybe I would come out negative the entire cost of a house, but I still did it. Maybe, just maybe, I need to push myself. I never will though.

I miss this. Carefree with nothing but
Barney to worry about. To be a
child again, it's priceless.
 Absolutely priceless.

"And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete. 
Little pieces of the nothing that fall. 
Put your arms around me. 
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful."
   -Goo Goo Dolls

Yourself.

Who am I? Today I am myself, of course. At least I hope everyone can say that are themselves everyday. Too bad that is not always the case. To me, being yourself is what life is all about. If you are not yourself, who will you ever be? What goals can you have? What can you aspire to be if you can't even be yourself long enough to figure out what you like to do. Conforming, that's what high school seems to be about. Not for myself though.

This weekend I think I learned more about who my true friends are than ever before. I had the most fantastic 48 hours that anyone could ask for and it was all thanks to them. I don't think I have laughed, smiled or even spoken exactly how I feel that much in a very, very long time. So what does this have to be with being myself, for once in a long time, I let all ambitions go down. I let myself be free of worries. I let myself finally begin to figure out exactly who I am. I'm starting to figure it out. I now know exactly what I need to do. I need to just, be myself. No matter what. No matter the flaws of myself because someone will find everything about me beautiful,just as my friends do.

This is one of my best friends, Jacob.
I believe this picture explains our
entire relationship. I love spending
time with him, but college has really
cut into it. This weekend though showed
me that we are still close, no matter
what happens after high school.

"Growing up won't bring us down."
  -The Maine

This Is the Start, the Start It All.

Who am I?
This is how I will start every blog: Who am I? That's a pretty deep question for someone my age to understand. Actually, scratch that, for anyone to understand regardless of their place in life. So today, November 11, 2010, who am I? Right now, I am Kendyl, the girl crushing on a guy who is to young for her. The girl who is still in her very attractive outfit, should have been taken off 4 hours ago, trying to impress him. The girl who is to stubborn to let things go, yet to curious to keep things going. Right now, I am myself. I act as though people at school don't bother me. I act like I have it all together. When really, I don't know anything. I am not as perfect as I am portrayed in this portrait society my parents have put me into. So, to answer that question of who am I? I'm myself, I know that. I don't care what others think about me, yet as a whole, I don't know yet. I don't know if I want to be the person that everyone has set the bar for me to be. I don't like being perfect. I don't like doing things right all the time. Maybe I want to party. What if I want to, at least for one day, conform to the rest of my peers. For once, not to have goals that I have to work hard towards. I play it safe. That's my problem.

I will also add a picture of a moment in my life
and describe my thoughts and feelings at
that point in time. As for this, I hated Sam
(the man behind me) and to this day I still
remember the first day we had our kissing
scene and he ate chinese food. I also remember
that during this entire show I was an emotional
wreck. Theatre is my passion though, so
I love this shot no matter what.

And now the closing will be a song quote from a song I have been listening to that describes my life.
"You make me happy whether you know it or not.
We should be happy, that's what I said from the start." 

        - Never Shout Never