Merry Christmas!

Well Christmas is officially OVER! Although, it never seemed like it was Christmas. This year, my holiday sucked. For the first time I was not in Michigan with my family, nor did I go to my dads because of our fight earlier this year. It was a season of first and none of the first were something meaningful or special. Oh, and my parents wanted to leave me home alone Christmas night to go to the movies until I guilt tripped them into taking me along. Tis' the season to be jolly my butt.

This doesn't help everything else that is going on in my life.

Ignorant boy #1 will not speak to me and gives me no reasoning as to why. I even gave a sweet Merry Christmas text including him into it, although I find him to be a 100% pure definition of JERK. So much so that I almost made a urbandictionary definition for him. Only to get nothing in response. Absolutely nothing. Go figure, I try to be nice and figure things out and nothing comes about it.

Ignorant boy #2 is no longer ignorant. He is really trying to prove things to me, though most of my friends don't think it is a good idea. Mostly, they don't want me to get hurt again and honestly I don't know if I will.

Ignorant boys #3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10..... are still ignorant. Actually, some are not. Some are actually wanting to get to know me, for me.

We will see where these things go.

And...
No matter what I say, Ignorant boy #1 actually is hurting my feelings. I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter and that he needs to grow up, but on the inside I really wish that he would just grow up, or at least give me some justification.

4th Floor

"But you have to be straight up with them or else the love or your life could walk out of the door. That is why people got married so young, because they were honest with the people they liked. They were able to be a man."

I said that to someone yesterday and I thought it sounded pretty legit.
Maybe I should write a book one day.
Of course I will write a book on history when I become a professor, but I think this whole real life needs an adjustment and I would be honored to tell all young teens that this whole idea of a fantasy doesn't exist.

-------------

I don't know if other people have them but whenever things in my life are not going okay, I have a reoccurring dream. Maybe it's what I eat before bed, stress or even it really is connected to my feelings but it goes something like this every time.


First off I'm in a large city, somewhere I have never been before though. For some reason I need to get back to this apartment that I have never been to, but it seems so familiar so maybe I live there or something. I'm coming from shopping normally and I take a shortcut through this small passage with sketchy pealing paint and a doorman that looks more like a rapist. I come to the elevator only to get on thinking that I press the 4th floor (every time it is the 4th floor) but the elevator isn't working. I press again and the doors open to an apartment that looks just like the one I'm going to-- no door just the apartment, but this one isn't mine. I get confused only to return to the elevator to find 2 more people waiting for me. This time the elevator rattles as it goes to the basement that only has one door with wooden planks on it. We close the elevator doors. At this point I'm scared. We then try one more time to make it to the 4th floor but this time, the doors open and the elevator is the only thing left standing as the entire apartment building is in flames and demolished. I then wake up. I have never made it to the 4th floor even though I have been there numerous times.


Inception must be my reality.
If anyone can tell me what this means I would be more than happy to listen.

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My life is a mess.

Oh it’s safe to say I knew it, yeah I knew it all along
Asking the same questions, singing the same songs
I’ve been gone for a while, been traveling along

Searching for a new life when I already had my own 
So walk back home on every road

On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home 
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the luck ones
On every road

Yeah it’s safe to say I knew that all the selfish things I’d do
Would eventually come creeping back around 
Oh way back when you called me young, said we’re innocent and dumb
I knew that you’d come creeping back around again
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the luck ones
On every road...

--The Maine

I love you, but I don't like you.

Don't mess with my heart.
It's fragile.

Don't mess with my mind.
It's willful.

Don't mess with me at all.
Okay, thanks.

Don't be shallow.
Don't be mean.
Don't be cruel.
Don't be rude.
Don't be ignorant.
Don't be vain.
News flash ass, I have feelings too.


It seems I'm too hip to keep tight lipped
And you're on the gossip team
You're making something out of nothing  
And jealousy's the cousin, the cousin of greed 
The inside lingo had me at hello
And we go where the money goes
I want someone provocative and talkative
But it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower 
And from what I've heard with skin you'll win.
--Cute Is What We Aim For

Black & White

I don't understand why I am trying so hard in the world of relationships. I mean my sexy, amazing, beautiful, movie-like love life that is totally nonexistent. I think its time that I step back and stop trying so hard. Maybe that is my problem, I'm trying. If I just sit back people will realize what they need in life and others might figure out what they are missing out on. Who knows maybe my prince is right in front of my eyes, but I'm too stubborn to open them. Perhaps I won't meet anyone what fulfills what I want this time in my life. I think I need to start looking at my friends, my family, the people that look at me everyday and tell me that I am beautiful-- They are the people that I want in my life, and more importantly, the people that I need in my life.

Why do we want that person to swallow us in their arms and tell us that we are beautiful anyways? What does that lead to anyways other than in more occasions than not a broken heart?

When you like someone you get hurt.
When you love someone it turns to hate over time.
And when you hate someone so much that you can't get enough of them- you found that someone.

To those someones (in no order):
I wait for your text, but they never come. Why?
I want to tell you exactly what I think, but all you do is yell.
I know that you are perfect and you throw it away.
I hate the fact I still love you.
I think you annoy the living hell out of me.
I think you are the biggest jerk that I have ever met in my entire life.
I think you are ignorant.
I want to run away with you somedays.
I want to slap you in the face others.
I wish I could receive a straight answer from you.
I hate that I'm used.
I feel used by you-- emotionally.
I feel used by you-- physically.

I know none of this will matter to any of you.


It's time to concentrate on my friends, the people that really matter. It's time to worry about my family because they will always be there. These people-- they don't care.

So I Have a Story....

So, I met a guy that I find PERFECT. Yes, perfect. He follows everything on my list, and it is wonderful. What is the problem then? Huh, because of course it was too good to be true. Yes, the perfection was perfection until the end.

State Beta Convention is this weekend. Of course I fall for the pres, yes the pres of Beta. He is perfect, he even loves the arts. Perfect. We even spent half an hour talking today and we were smiling and being cute and everything was going well until, yes until because it was of course too good to be true, when Beta Convention was ending and the meeting was adjourned, "insertnamehere WILL YOU PLEASE GO TO PROM WITH ME?"

What the hell moment, I think yes.

This always happens to me, maybe I'll finally find someone, someday.

Perfection might not be the right thing I guess, maybe my list needs to be rearranged.

Yeah, no title is a good title.

Boys are stupid.
Dumb, brainless, insensitive, foolish, dumb, senseless, naive, unintelligent, useless, laughable (yes laughable)

Merry Christmas, I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying 'I love you', I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kiss me now, I know you'd fool me again

                                             -The Maine


The end.

From Past to Present to Future, Life is a Mystery.

When you receive a package in the mail with no understanding with what might be inside, it is a mystery. As you shake, raddle and told this box clues might come into your head. Questions and assumptions begin to emerge. When you finally get to open this gift, no matter how terrible it might be, the thrill was involved with shaking that box. The thought of the what if and what nows. We as humans thrive on the questions in life. The why nots? The what nows? The what ifs? The who knows?

When you begin to question things in your life, things begin to change as new assumptions emerge about the actual answer.

When people don't know what another person is thinking, we begin to question and without an answer we question. When we still don't get an answer, we question again and again. Why? I have absolutely no idea but it drives me crazy.

Why can't we just tell someone how we feel? Or even tell someone that we are sorry long before it is too late? Just to be able to tell someone what you are thinking could change the world.

People are stubborn. It's annoying.
Just tell me what you think instead of playing games, they are annoying.

I love to have fun.

"You say you don't want me. I think you're a liar.
Love or lost, it just adds fuel to the fire."
  --The Maine